goes to me!!

I never thought I'd be this quick at starting to not care what someone thinks about me... But it, mysteriously, has happened already... Perhaps because his girlfriend (despite threatening to *ahem* "kill me"...) has not said a word to me since the beginning of term! Ha!! So she doesn't frighten me, so there is nothing to make me feel guilty for liking him... which I think might be what makes me not move on from people...

Anyway, I'm quite pleased how quickly I've stopped caring (quite so much...) about him. Unfortunately it leaves the way open for all the other guys I never got over to come flooding back into my mind, which is inconvenient to say the least. This one guy from AGES ago has lately made a huge re-appearance in my thoughts, which leads me to the unhappy conclusion that I never completely get over people. Well, it's unhappy when they never (to my knowledge) reciprocated my feelings, slightly less unhappy when they never knew I liked them in the first place. Unfortunately this guy has been "The One" for about seven years. The One I have never been able to get completely out of my head. The One I always dream about when I'm sad - dreams of him taking me away to a place where everyone has everything they could ever want, and nobody cares what you look like, or what clothes you wear, or how clever you are; dreams of him telling me he loves me, and that he wants to be with me forever and always. The One who I first saw in a concert I went to nine years ago with my Brownie troupe. I saw him in the alto section of his church choir and thought "hmm he looks nice, I wonder if he lives near me" and it turned out he did, but I thought nothing of it until Induction Day (a kind of introduction to your new secondary school) in Yr7 when I saw him again, and thought "Phwoar! He's quite attractive" and it then also turned out that we were in the same choir out of school as well! Which was quite a coincidence. We grew to be great friends, and I began to feel more than just platonic admiration for him. His father approved of me, I knew, because we (the boy and I) regularly talked on the phone and often his father would answer. One particular time, the boy told me in fits of laughter that his father thought I was "a nice, quiet girl" which is quite untrue, by any stretch of the imagination, but a lovely thing to say.
But then I made the mistake of telling my girlfriends I liked him whlist on a residential choir course. Of course, as pubescent girls are wont to do, they yelled it out of the window at him at every opportunity. Bang went our friendship. We eventually managed to tentatively rebuild it, over about 4 years, but my stupidity and lack of ability to "let sleeping dogs lie" meant that I blew it, yet again, a few years ago, and it's never been the same since. Yet now, again, I seem to be thinking "Hmmm he's looking at my legs... and there he goes again! And now he's looking up my legs to my knees... And now he's watching me... could he like me?". Why can't I let it go?

I think I could be really good for him - and he could be really really good for me. So why can't I just let him be happy and do what he wants? If he wants me, surely he knows where to find me? But then a little niggly voice in my head says "But what if he doesn't know you still like him? Maybe you should tell him again... what have you got to lose? It's not like you're that close any more, go for it... You never know!"

But I'm terrified that I do know... and that what I know isn't what I want to hear.

Other than this, I have been mostly:
Thinking about our Sixth Form Pantomime!